I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and for this reason I believe that we all have trials that we go through in life. I believe we go through things to help us to be better people and that although sometimes the things we go through are very difficult, and we don't always understand why we go through them, I know, at least in my life, I have been able to look back and say oh, okay that is why that happened. It seems to me there is a purpose for everything. So, then why would we have to endure something like MS. These two little letters that can potentially make our lives such hell from day to day. Well, I have done a lot of thinking lately because I have been in a lot of pain, I have been depressed, and I have not been able to live my life the way that I have wanted to live it. But, no matter what this illness brings on, it can not take away my spirit, and who I ultimately am.

So, then I think to myself if my having this illness does nothing else, it will teach my son to be a better, more kind person. He will be a better person because he will learn to respect people who have disabilities. So then I can take it a step further, and I can already see, that as difficult as this has been on us, it has also been positive in it has brought us closer together. Although I am not able to work at this time, that is beneficial for us, because we spend more quality time together. It is unfortunate that he has to see more of my illness, but I believe this will help him to gain a better understanding of the illness later on in life.

I would love for my illness to be something that would have such a purpose that it would touch so many lives, that it would do some serious good, raise millions of dollars, find a cure, etc, etc, etc. but I know that is just not likely, for I am only one person. I have accepted that I can and WILL do what I can do. And, part of what I can do is not let this illness take over my life. It has made a significant impact on the way I must live my life and the way my family lives their lives, but it does not have to completely control our whole life.

I have tried very hard to incorporate some spirituality into my son's life because I want him to have something more to believe in. I don't want him to be angry or have hateful feelings, especially about my health and so I feel if he can find some peace he can come to an acceptance of my illness and any other trials which will come, as each of us do have hard things happen in our lives, and he will be better equipted to handle them. Not everyone agrees with the way that I look at these things. For me I often wonder if you can be both religious and spiritual at the same time? I believe you can, but sometimes when I get depressed, that is when I start to question myself. This is why I know it is so important to teach my son those things that are so important. It is important for him to learn how to be a good man, honest, respectful, moral, and true. He needs to be strong and able to support his family. I don't push him, only give him the information and let him figure it out for himself. He needs to make his own decisions. I will guide him, but cannot do it for him, especially because as he gets older, I will get weaker. The reality is that with my health, you just never know. MS is not my only health concern, and so I have to prepare him to take care of himself, because if I don't, I have failed him. It is not that I want that to happen, it would be irresponsible of me not to do that for him and I love him too much not to. Just like I love him so much that I continue to take my injections and other medications and follow the treatment plans my doctors have outlined for me.

I have been looking into possible clinical trials in the area. There are quite a few that are starting here in Washington State soon, 12 to be exact. I am not sure when a couple of them are going to actually be available as they say they are not recruiting patients yet, and get this, one of them is even for a similar stem cell transplant type study (Immunosuppression and Autologous Transplantation for MS) like what was done in Canada! I am not at that stage yet, but I think it is exciting that they are getting closer to having these studies available in the U.S.

On a side note: It turns out that this medicine that has been giving me such a terrible time lately, may turn out to be worth it after all (although I may not fit into the early use category, oops!)......
** Early use of Avonex delays risk of MS for up to 5 years!

Well, I hope you are all doing well and have had a great weekend. Please take care of yourselves and have a good week! :)