This is MY journey with MS! I give you my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and prayers. My wish that one day this disease will come to an end. That one day there will be a cure. For now, I hold on to possibility. I HOPE this will help and inspire not only myself but others.
 
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Dreams....

Do you suppose that our dreams mean anything? I have heard many different things in regards to this. I have heard that our dreams reflect what we just watched on TV (that is not the case here) or that they come from our deepest subconscious so they are like little subliminal messages about what we are thinking about or something like that. I know there have been cases where people have had revelations through their dreams (have you read the Bible?), and some people just seem to have silly or stupid dreams that most likely mean nothing. Other people claim that they don't dream or don't ever remember their dreams. I just don't know....it would be interesting to find out, however.

I just got up a bit ago...and my head still hurts! I had a very disturbing dream last night. In my dream I died, not from MS but I was murdered (actually shot in the head, which I suppose may be why I woke up with a headache?) I don't know. The dream itself was not real scary or disturbing....I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (type of situation). The longer that I am awake the more the dream fades from me. Really I only remember that I had stopped by this house (a familiar place, some friends I suppose) and when I walked in (why I went in I am unsure....it is not like I just go walking into peoples houses, hmm..strange), I just happened to walk in on a robbery taking place. Other parts of the dream seem to be more of a blur....I remember the house, what the outside grounds looked like, and that there were 2 men (both white in their mid-30's or so). I also remember that we were able to get some children to escape and the men were talking to each other (only I don't know what about - how strange is that?) Then the ending of the dream is pretty clear. I remember being in a van..they were taking us somewhere and when they pulled over I had gotten someone's attention (which only made them more mad). I was trying to find us a way out of the situation. Then one of the guys decided he had had enough and shot us all. Only I did not die, which really made them mad so he walked up and shot me through the top of my head.

The strange thing is that although I have a bit of a headache this morning....I did not wake up right away (I have had dreams in the past where it seems to me that just as something bad was to happen to me, just as I would get hurt or whatever, I would wake up. This was different.....I continued to dream, only there was not really anything to dream. It was like this blank white area for a minute or two and then I remember dreaming about Nathan, going to him and telling him everything would be okay. Telling him that he needed to go live with his grandparents now. It was not until after that that I was able to wake up. Maybe it was the need for closure...I don't know. Strange right?

I guess it was just one more reminder of how fragile life can be! You just never know when it will be your time. I guess the thing about it is that we just need to go and live our lives and not worry about everything else. We have NO control over what will happen from day to day (MS or not) and so I am not sure what (if anything) this dream was supposed to mean, but it does remind me just how precious our lives are. Any one of us (MS or not) could go out to our car today and be in a fatal accident and that would be the end of it. We could go into a mini-mart to buy a soda and have some idiot come in to rob it while we are there....only for us to be the one to end up shot and killed. The thing about it is that you just never know when it is your time...so we have to continue to live our lives, and with the best quality of life. At least that is what I have been thinking about since I woke up because it has been one of those dreams that is just sticking with me. Do dreams mean anything? I don't know....and if they do I don't know how to interpret them, but I do know that I have to continue to fight my battles and live my life.

I want to be able to do things NOW...not 10 or 15 or 20 years from now when "they" may or may not have a cure. That just doesn't work for me. I have spent a lot of time trying to get my health in order and I can't give up....$1536 every 6 months, that is a lot of money but there must be some way to raise that money if I can't get help for it! I refuse to be told that I have no options....that just DOES NOT work for me! I have worked too hard and made too many sacrifices already because of this illness.....I am NOT going to give up on my health because the government's policy is flawed! This is NOT an option.

I am meeting with my personal trainer today (they were kind enough to throw in 2 extra sessions considering the current circumstances) and then I will have one more time to work out with him before I am on my own. I am also basically on my own with the nutrition stuff (but that is okay considering I already was eating healthy, just not enough...I am doing better now, it is still a struggle some days, but I am eating more). My nutritionist has been sweet. She told me that anytime I am in the area I can swing in for a quick weigh in (to check and see how I am doing) for free! At least until I can get some of the insurance stuff figured out. So, I feel like I have been very blessed! For the most part I am able to continue doing the things I need to...now I just need to raise that money in order to obtain the medical coverage before my appointment with the doctor next month (and before I need to order my meds at the first of the month). If you have any ideas, please let me know. I am open to any and all suggestions!

I hope you are all doing well....and getting the sleep you need (hopefully without any crazy, strange, disturbing dreams, lol). Take care and have a good day. It's Friday, go do something!

I picked this song because I have decided this fight is too important! Unless you have been here (for those of you who are also fighting this fight you know what I am talking about) you don't know what we go through! We have EVERY right to have the best quality of life we can! I have decided that the time for change is NOW and if it takes me my whole life than fine, at least I did something, at least I tried! I urge you all to make sure you are registered to vote and write to your representatives....all people with disabilites (MS or not) should have equal benefits! There is power in numbers! We CAN make a difference. Remember, this is just not for us...it is for every American. Our children, grandchildren, sisters, cousins, etc. Life is short & any person at any time can become sick or disabled & need to claim benefits that we should have the RIGHT to claim (after all when we worked, we paid in to those very benefits...for that purpose). Thanks.

10 comments:

camille said...

wow jaime how coincidental. last week i had a nightmare so bad it woke me up and while laying there i had the worst pain in both sides of my head.here is my dream: my husband was injured (i dont know why)i sent him to the hospital via ambulance. i was too nervous to drive so i asked my father-in law to drive whilw approaching a bridge my father inlaw looked toward the left and while he did he accidently was steering right into the small barrier he realized what he did so he suddenly over compensated in turning the wheel to the left and when he did that he lost control of his trailblazer and the suv fell off the bridge backwards into the river as we were falling i tried to open the power window and it was locked and i told him to unlock it and then i woke up i had that head pain all day so bad that i almost went to the doctor. all better now x

Jaime said...

Camille~

I am glad you are feeling better now! It is such a strange feeling to have such a vivid dream. One that seems so real you wake up feeling as if it DID happen, especially when it creates that kind of an emotional reaction. Thank goodness it was only a dream and we do get to wake up!

I guess the question now is how do we process such information...and what do we do with it once we have processed it? For me it has made me "wake up" in more ways than one! It just confirmed for me how short life is and that I do need to fight this....I need to act now and not wait around for someone else to find the solutions for me.

It is good to hear from you. I hope that things are going better for you (I know you were having a hard time with your MS). You are in my thoughts and prayers! Please take care of yourself.

Jaime

personallog! said...

sorry to hear about the headache and I hope you work out the dreams soon. Only you can interperet your own dreams, the gun shot is woring tho! Just be carefull eh!
Take care!
Dave

mouse said...

Jaime, I have never died in a dream of my own because I always wake up before I hit the ground:) In other words it always involves me falling, sometimes long distances. It is good to know that if you die in a dream, you do not actually die in real life. Somewhere I heard that was the case. I dream a lot but only remember the memorable ones, and only for a short time. Except the dreams that I had as a child. You know, those "me versus the devil kind"! In those dreams, I always managed to take the reins away from the devil, or the bad guy. So for me those dreams were about self control, about self empowerment! I guess I just don't remember the ones in which I don't win. In short, I believe dreams are your minds own way of dealing with fears. It could be possible for you to recognize trouble in your next dream and rewrite the outcome! Best of luck to you. I do believe things will fall into a happy place for you.

Joel Gottlieb said...

Jaime
Thanks for the kind words and well wishes re my situation mstaichi.blogspot.com. Of course, it is ok to blogroll my blog.

Reading about your murder dream -- I interpret the dream as redemptive. Our dreams often overstate to make the point. MS is like murder -- it is like ending the life one has had. And yes, it is a robbery of the things that you had -- all losses to be sure. However, the MS does not kill you -- the murder at first fails. True enough, we all die in the end. I see your dream as telling you the losses are great, existential, "Only I did not die."

Your life and your dreams go on. It is a bad headache but not the end.

Wishing you many dreams and newe beginnings,

Joel

Heather said...

Thanks for stopping by my site. Support is always a good thing, especially from someone who understands much of the frustrations that can arise.

In terms of dreams, I have been having some REALLY crazy dreams--all very violent, such as people beating me, trying to kill me, or simply hating me. They are very intense. I wondered if it could be from the medicine? I am on Rebif, and I know that's not one of the listed side effects, but it just makes me wonder. Oh well, it gives my therapist some entertainment :)

Again, thanks for stopping by. I'll keep checking your site, and I might actually update more often as I learn people are checking it out. (My sister checks every day, waiting for an update!)

Peace,
Heather

Jaime said...

Dave,
The headache is gone! Fortunately it only lasted the one day. :) Thanks for all of your continued support and caring words. You are a great friend. I don't think that the gun shot was to be taken literal as I believe all dreams have either no meaning or an underlying meaning to them. I am not worried! Thanks for your concern. Love ya! xx Jaime

Jaime said...

Mouse,

Thanks for stopping by. I hope that your husband is doing better! I hope you don't mind but I blogrolled you. I believe us MSer's need to stick together and provide support for each other. :)

It is interesting that you mention the idea of possibly dying in real life if you die in a dream. I have heard of that, but for me that was not the case. I am not sure where that came from, but as I type this a I now realize that if someone was to have a dream of dying and then die because of it, we probably would not know that....because they would have died therefore could not have told anyone about it, lol.

It was very strange however to have a dream where I actually died...as I have had other dreams where I would have something happen (such as a fall) and I always woke up before anything like that could happen. I must agree with what Joel had to say however, that MS is very much like murder. You have no control over what happens, for me however I think this was really just a confirmation and wake up call of what I need to do in my own life...with my illness.

I hope that you are feeling well and things are looking up for you and your husband. If there is ever anything I can do to help, please let me know. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care!

Jaime

Jaime said...

Joel,

Thanks for stopping by! It is always nice to learn about others who are also dealing with this illness and to find out what others are doing. I really enjoyed reading about how you manage MS with Tai Chi and look forward to reading more. I think there is so much that we can do now to help ourselves in the fight against MS.

I have to agree with you about my dream. I think that all dreams have underlining meanings (or no meaning at all) and are not to be taken literal. I have been working very hard over the last few months to try and regain control over my health and recently have been thinking a lot about how to maintain these things in the event I must go without medication (as I was recently awarded SSDI and am dealing with some insurance issues).

I think this has been a wake up call about how I can't rely on the system or others....I have to take control and I have to do it now! I am finding some good information on alternative things (such as diet and exercise) to help with MS and the more I do these things, amazingly enough....I am feeling better! I am not off meds yet, and maybe it won't get to that point, but I want to prepare myself in the event it does! :)

I appreciate you stopping by. Please continue to keep in touch. I hope you get to feeling better and heal from your fall real soon! Take care of yourself.

Jaime

Jaime said...

Heather,

Welcome! I know this can be a very difficult and overwhelming time...so early in your diagnosis. Please always remember that you have this large network of people who are here to help. If you need anything, please just ask! :)

Thanks for stopping by. I find it interesting that you have also been having some crazy dreams. I am taking Avonex (which is also an interferon) and although it is not a side effect listed I wonder if that has ever been mentioned? I think it would be worth looking into.

I can tell you that since being on the Avonex my sleeping patterns have changed! It seems that when I do my injection I am tired more so I get more sleep and then I have slept more than I need so I am wide awake for a couple of days. (I have only been on Avonex about 4 months and it is getting better, they say it takes about 6 months to get used to the interferons.) I used to dream all the time and I don't seem to dream as often anymore either.

If you happen to find out anything, please let me know! I have an appointment with my neurologist in a month, so I will have to ask her about it. If I find out anything, I will let you know!

I will stop in on you from time to time to see how you are doing. Please continue to stop by and like I said before, if you need anything...please, don't hesitate to ask! :) I hope you are well. Please take care.

Jaime


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I was diagnosed with MS in 2004, have been through all of the FDA approved treatments I qualify for and now am participating in the HALT MS Study. This is my story...my life with MS (among other things).

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