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Turmoil

I am so sad right now! I love my son more than life itself and lately things have been so up and down. Our house has been in such turmoil, like we are at war and peace! One minute we are happy and doing our best to get along and the next fighting. I just don't get it. We are so incredibly close and have always gotten along so well. I don't understand what is happening to us! The thing that is so frustrating about it is that he is only like this with me. He is so good, helpful, and well-behaved when he goes to my parents or anywhere else. So, why doesn't he behave at home? I know he has a real hard time with my having MS. He HATES it! I know that he loves me and is sad that I am sick but I think it is just hard for him to really understand all of it, maybe that is why he acts out......he doesn't know how to control his emotions!

Problem is that lately I can't seem to control mine either. I am not sure if this is from the medication (Avonex) or if it is from the MS but I just can't take it anymore! My emotions seem to be all over the place and it scares me. From a logical standpoint I can understand why he must say some of the mean things he says to me and why he is pushing my buttons (he's just acting out his own frustrations). I know that I need to just ignore him, but there are times that I have to just go in the other room and cry because I just can't handle what he says.....I can't help but take it to heart, when I know he doesn't really mean it. How do I get better control over this? That is the question isn't it? I have tried to just walk away, go in another room, separate ourselves. I hate to do that, we should not have to, we should be able to just get along like we always have before. Maybe it is the combination of where I am in my illness and his being out of school for the summer so him seeing more of what is going on. I just don't know.

He started going to counseling a while back and I don't think it has been long enough to do anything yet. Maybe this has a part to do with it. He suffers from anxiety and PTSD (from a trauma early in his childhood) and maybe going to counseling and dealing with my illness along with the idea of having to talk about those things might be enough to do it. He just doesn't want to talk to me, and he has always talked to me about things. Maybe it is the age.....he is becoming more independent. All I know is that somehow some things need to change. I don't know how we can live this way. We can't live in such turmoil! It's not like everyday is a bad day, but when we do have a bad day....it's really bad and they are becoming more and more.

I would do anything to be able to fix this....only I am not sure how to fix it, or if I can. Some of this may be him needing to accept what life has handed us. I do know that I need to find a way to get my spend down taken care of though, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. It really does scare me! I have never had to deal with depression before and I am depressed. I have always been an upbeat and optimistic person, I have to continue to be positive.......... sometimes it is so hard, but I am trying! I just keep telling myself everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! :)

9 comments:

baitulos@aol.com said...

Jaime,

Hang in there, kiddo...that's about all the words of wisdom I have. Depression can be an ugly word and difficult place to be, which is probably why your son's attitude is effecting you so. I do hope you feel on the mental mend again soon.
Another thought on a different subject: Sometimes patients (like myself) will "turn in" their unused injectables when they go off or change their medications...I've given left over Copaxone and Avonex to my previous neurologist. I don't know if your neurologist practices this "share" program because it is illegal for them to distribute medications prescribed for someone else (disclaimer)...on the other hand, I know it happens. You might be able to beg a few of somebody else's leftovers from your doc if they happen to miraculously have Avonex on hand...just a thought.

Linda D. in Seattle

matt said...

tell him that. or let him accidentally find this. he doesn't know how what he says is hurting you. if he knew what he was doing he would stop.

Jaime said...

Thanks for the kind words..both of you! He is only 11 and is hurting also. This illness is difficult on everyone, I don't think that he knows how to deal with it, and so this is how he acts out sometimes...because he doesn't have the maturity to be able to find the words to explain how he is feeling.

We will get through it, I just need to deal with some of my own depression also so that I can help him! I think that some of the side effects of the meds are making this whole situation worse....more difficult to manage. Just one more aspect of this illness I suppose, but we have made it through a lot of things, we WILL make it through this! :)

In regards to the medications...I am not sure if my about a leftover program...I've never heard anything like that, I am good on the injections as Biogen is sending me the Avonex through the Patient Assistance Program until my insurance kicks in again, it's the rest of the meds to help limit the effect of that medicine and the rest of my MS symptoms that I don't have (I'm supposed to take 20 other meds)...those I don't have right now. I am working on getting help for those too thought. Thanks for the suggestion though! I have had docs give me samples on some meds before. :)

I hope you are both doing well. Take care.

Jaime

camille said...

jaime,
i wanted to tell you that 11+ is a difficult age for young men.when my son was 12, between his voice crackling (change) and his body starts changes, i believe its the overload of male hormones coursing through his body. i went through that with my son i blamed it on his age and i said "this shall pass" and it did. just look at this as him growing up and developing.all of a sudden he may even eat like he has a hole in his stomach, insatiable appetite as well. definatly be patient it will go away shortly. I remember that so well and i remember having to walk away when he acted like that. Just go with the flow. ans when he starts a conersation go along with it because they forget anger because he is a kid. adults hold onto anger longer. take care x
camille

Suzy said...

You might want to hook up with some social services, if you have access to them? We do here, and some of the programs are just awesome for kids!

I'll be praying for you and for Nathan too. So hard on our kids, isn't it?

Jaime said...

Camille,
It is funny that you mention the appetite...my son either eats everything in sight or nothing at all (and for some reason even though he is grown taller like crazy, he is loosing weight? strange!) must be the hormones, and the age! I also think it has to do with the meds he has been on, which I am thinking may need to be put to a stop, actually!

I am sure you are right that a lot of this has to do with the age, and it probably does not help that there is the added stress of MS attached to it...this shall pass though, as you said. He will ajust, as we all do! Thanks for your continued support! I hope that you are doing well! Please take care of yourself. It is so good to hear from you, I have missed you.

Jaime
x

Jaime said...

Suzy,
It took a while, but I was able to get him set up with a good program here locally. He has a counselor he sees once a week (he just started seeing her a month ago and so this may be part of the attitude). I really pushed for this because I think this will help him deal with the emotional aspects of what is going on, the trauma he dealt with as a child, plus my being sick (both before and now), etc. This will just help him to learn better coping skills!

He also has a pyschiatrist. I am not sure about this part. I was okay with it at first because they told me he was depressed over everything and had a lot of anxiety and needed meds, but today I took him to our PCP and he basically told me that the meds could be part to blame in his behavior changes...so I am seriously rethinking if that is really needed. I have always wondered if he was too young for these types of meds, but she is the doctor right? I left a message and she will call tomorrow. Maybe this is just the wrong medicine. I guess I will find out. Either way, I do think the counseling will be of great benefit to him...I just think it is too early to have helped yet.

Thanks for all of your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I hope that you are doing well! :) Please take care of yourself.

Jaime

personallog! said...

Hey J,
11 is a difficult age for a young lad, it was hell for me thats for sure but I found that my brother helped me. The 'change' as you ladies put it is the biggest scary thing a man can go through. You get your friends developing faster and the showers at school just kill you! I cant imagine adding your ms to it but he is going to be ok, trust me. He made say things that hurt you but he doesnt mean them. I ripped a mirror of the wall at my parents house when I was 12. My mum just ignored me and my older brother told me to 'grow some hairs' I cried for a week and I like to think I dealt with it pretty well afterwards. Just be there for him when he needs you. Let him come to you and dont pressure him for answers...he doesnt know them 'yet'. Your doing the right thing by leaving the room when he says something bad towards you. Keep up the good work he is a good boy and will need you to be well in the future. My thoughts are with ya as always.
Love ya both
Dave

Jaime said...

Dave,
It is good to hear from someone who has been through it..well kind of (all except the MS part, that didn't come until later). Thanks for always being there and knowing just what to say! :) I am sure things will work out...he is such a good person, just going through a hard time right now! I hope you are doing well. Take care!
Jaime
x


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I was diagnosed with MS in 2004, have been through all of the FDA approved treatments I qualify for and now am participating in the HALT MS Study. This is my story...my life with MS (among other things).

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