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Thinking....not always a good thing!

This past couple of weeks have been difficult. There has been a lot going on between what my son has gone through with being in the hospital and my not feeling well (even if it is only because of the heat). I have been doing a lot of thinking! I have learned that thinking is not always a good thing....especially when you are pumped full of medications that have depressive side effects. That said....I have still been doing a lot of thinking. I can't seem to help myself.

Last week I got the notice that my lease was about to expire and I needed to renew it. I can't believe I have been here almost a year. So, this has gotten me thinking. What have I accomplished over the last year? I don't feel like I have done anything. What a waste! Talk about depressing. I moved back to Washington because it was recommended by my doctors that I have a support system and slow down. If I continued at the pace I was at before, my health would have gotten much worse. So, after I finished school...I quit my job and moved to Washington State to be closer to my family. This way they could help out. Thing is life has been so up and down since moving here. I am not sure that my health has really gotten any better. Sure, there are some things that are better (my asthma and allergies don't seem so bad here) but other things are the same or worse. I had the worse MS flare I've ever had since moving here. coincidence? Maybe...there is a good chance I would have had it anyway, maybe sooner if I would have continued the way I was.

Thing about it though is what have I really accomplished? Is this really how life with this illness has to be? More and more I feel like my life is worthless. Okay, maybe that is not the right way to describe it because I know I have my son and my first priority is to make sure that he grows up right. My first and most important job is to be his mom. He is not here all of the time though (goes to school, stays w/grandparents, hangs out w/friends, etc) and as he gets older and gains more independence, then what? Of course I will always worry about him and he will always be my priority, but he will need to do things on his own. Maybe this is because I have always worked. I miss working! It is just not enough to get up in the morning, clean my house, hang out with my son, and watch TV. Maybe it would be different if I had small kids at home to keep me busy, or was married...I don't know!

I feel like I am just sitting here wasting away because there is nothing I can do anymore. I mean, I can do things...only there are so many restrictions...what can I really do? I can't go outside when it is hot because then I am unable to function....the heat makes my MS act immediately. I become weak, instant headache. It is crazy. It feels like a flare, only according to my neurologist it is not a true flare, it is indeed because of the heat and I am NOT to go outside under any circumstances (easier said than done....although I am doing my best). In the winter it is just as bad. The cold air makes my muscles cramp up and then because of my having Osteopenia the bones freeze up. I have such severe pain....it is like a no win situation. I can't even go to the gym right now. It has been so hot that between the heat outside and my getting overheated when working out....I just get too weak and the MS symptoms start up. Get this....swimming was my saving grace until this most recent group of symptoms started, but I have so much dizziness that I feel like I am going to throw up whenever I get in the pool. I am not sure what I did to piss off the MS God (of course I am joking) but I need a break!

I am feeling a bit frustrated in that department, actually! I have been feeling a little off when it comes to matters of spirituality recently too. I think that all of this is just getting to me. I have always been very strong in my beliefs and I have always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. I still believe that and know I am not cursed or any of those things. I do believe we are not given anything we can't handle, but sometimes...like recently, I have been questioning what I believe. Maybe because things have been so hard? I don't know. I am trying really hard to stay strong and not to let all of this get me down as I try to be an optimistic person. I guess right now is just one of those times where it all sucks! I guess I just have to ride out the storm and pray it passes soon.

Maybe I am just loosing my mind.....I think that is one of the side effects of MS isn't it? Or, maybe that is a side effect of Avonex? No, sometimes it feels that way though. I think what it all boils down to is that between the MS and the Avonex (which does cause depression) I just need to quit thinking about things, because for the most part I have been very blessed and when I start to think....well that is not always a good thing!

I hope all of you are having an easier time of it than I am. Please take care of yourselves and try to stay cool. I don't know what it's like where you are, but it is still in the 90's here!

10 comments:

Heather said...

The heat has hit Illinois, too--about 100 degrees today. Ick! We are staying in with the AC on and fans. To top it off, I got sick yesterday, but think I am better today.

It is hard to think why things happen to certain people, especially when those things get so hard. I don't really know what to say--keep the faith, and I hope you find grace and strength.

Jaime said...

Heather~
It seems everyone I talk to has been hit with some pretty hot weather. I am sorry to hear you have not been feeling well, I am glad you are better today...I hope you continue to feel better.

I try really hard not to ask the "why me" type of questions as I know they are really more of a waste of time....no one really knows why and I know God would not give us anything we can't handle, sometimes life just gives us challenges that makes us question things...at leas that is how it seems to be for me. I suppose this is just one more way to learn and grow. I just get tired sometimes and need a break. I think we all do.

I think lately I have been doing a lot of thinking because I have not been feeling as well, the MS hug and depression that comes with it. I also think it doesn't help that I am about to turn 30...another year gone by, this one is a milestone year. That is a whole other story! :)

I hope you are feeling better. Please take care and try to stay cool.

Jaime

Zee said...

The heat really gets me too - I've always hated extreme heat and now, with this most recent relapse, it just gets worse when it gets hot. As soon as I move I'm investing in and installing an air conditioner!!! Maybe two, in fact, in case one breaks down. :-D

Anyway, thanks for stopping by my blog earlier - so nice to see someone with MS weigh in on my regular autoimmune on-goings. Mostly I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude and tell the MS Gods to F-off. Easier said than done. Frustrating, too, to want to do so much and just not have the energy. The annoying thing, really, is when people say stuff like, "Oh, sorry you're tired. I get tired too, but I just have to do x, y and z." And I want to wring their little necks! ARGH. If they only knew. Grrr...

Anyway, one day at a time is the name of the game, I think. My big accomplishment today is that I vacuumed! WOHOO! :0)

Hang in there!

matt said...

over here in wisconsin it's 86. it's not as bad as yesterday was but it's still hot.

don't think your life is worthless. that's just bullshit. there are alwayse times for everybody when nothing really happens. it'll pass soon enough.

you don't need to go to the gym to exercise. you can jump rope, jog around the house, do crunches and all kinds of other stuff at home.

i hope it starts to coll down over there. it's starting to get better over here.

mdmhvonpa said...

The whole kid thing makes me sick to my heart too. I just fret and worry when ever I get sick. Not so much that I may perish, but that I will not be there for the kids. Sure, the Grandparents would certainly quit their jobs and help the Mrs raise the kids (with great joy, just ask the Mrs. My parents and her are closer than myself and the the three!), but I'm certain they would suffer w/o me. I endeavor to carry on.

amanda said...

Jaime~~
I left you a comment on myspace as far as your son goes and am hoping that all is still well with him.

Just wanted to drop by to wish you a Happy Birthday!!!!

Jaime said...

Zee~
Thanks for stopping by! I would recommend getting central air...then you don't ever have to worry about an air conditioner breaking down (then again if the whole thing goes...that would SUCK!) Lets think positive! Are you moving locally or out of town? Maybe somewhere that has more moderate temperatures? That would be nice...not sure there are too many places like that.

I completely understand wanting to tell the MS Gods to just shove it...today is one of those days where I want to just say screw it all together (and today has nothing to do with my MS). We all seem to have our ups and downs, it is as if there is some kind of funny cycle we go through. Hmm...not sure what that is all about. I agree...it is a take it one day at a time thing. If we worry too much about what is too come then we are not doing ourselves any good. We don't know and it is important to stay positive (even when times are hard).

I hope you are well and this current flare ends soon! Please take care of yourself and good luck with the move.

Jaime

Jaime said...

Matt~
I KNOW my life is not worthless, sometimes with this illness things get difficult and you question what you are doing with your life. It can be hard to go from being able to work, play, etc. and plan for the future to dealing with something that can be so unpredictable that it makes planning something a month away difficult...because you can't make any guarantees that you will be up to doing anything (everyday brings something different). You just have to hope and pray that the good days outweigh the bad and do your best to stay positive. :) Every once in a while I have moments where it forget to be positive or it is a bad day (or week) and then it does get better!

You are right and wrong about the exercise, lol. For me I need to go to the gym because of my health there are only certain types of exercises I can do. I mainly swim because it helps with the resistance and also to stay cool, but when the dizziness is there...that is a problem. I am able to do some things at home however. I have a ball that I do some exercises on, abs and legs mainly. It helps with balance, posture, and I also have purchased some resti-bands. Exercise is always a great thing to do with MS but it can be tricky finding what works for you...and then maintaining it based on what is going on that day. I tend to feel better when I exercise and that helps keep me going!

Take care of yourself. I hope you are well.

Jaime

Jaime said...

Mdmhvonpa~
I think all parents worry about what would happen to their kids (MS or not). I guess the thing is that we just have to do the best we can when we are here. I think for me it is the same, when I get sick then I worry even more because although I have a great support system (parents, Justin) it is just not the same and death is not the only thing that can happen to impact a child.

The severe disability of the illness is always in the back of my mind...which is why I fight so hard to do what I am told by my doctors, continue to exercise, and eat right. It is too important not only for me but for my family that I stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can...because we all know that we really don't know much of anything when it comes to MS.

Thing is we just have to keep hope that one day (sooner than later would be nice) there will be a cure or treatment that will be more effective then those we currently have!

I hope you are doing good and that the family is doing good as well. Please take care.

Jaime

Jaime said...

Amanda~
I got the comment! Thanks. I appreciate it. As much as I love blogger...I am finding myspace fun and a nice place when I just need to vent a bit. LOL Nate is doing better and hopefully will continue to do better....keeping my fingers crossed!

Thanks for the wishes. I can't believe I am going to be the big 3-0. It is crazy to think. Really it is just another day and it won't even be a fun one as I have appointments, etc. I am going to have dinner with my family though and that will be nice. I find the older you get (and I am not old) the less it really matters. Oh well. :)

I hope you are feeling better. Take care of yourself.

Jaime


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I was diagnosed with MS in 2004, have been through all of the FDA approved treatments I qualify for and now am participating in the HALT MS Study. This is my story...my life with MS (among other things).

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