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Insomnia + Depression = Need 4 Vacation

I have always been more of a night owl, but ever since I started taking the Avonex, I seem to be having more problems with my sleeping patterns. The night I take the injection, well I am up and down due to the pain, then the following days I try to sleep a lot, sleep through a lot of the symptoms I suppose. This leads me to a couple days of insomnia. The strange thing is that although the sleeping pattern is erratic, I would think I could at least get some good quality sleep, because I am EXHAUSTED most of the time. That has not been the case. I used to be one of these people who could have a dream and when I woke up, I could remember it, every detail, it would be that vivid. Now, I am not sleeping well enough that I am even having dreams. What is that about?

I know.....I need to go on a vacation. I need a change of pace for a while. If only it was that easy.


I would love to just get in my car and go away for awhile. Not to run away, nothing like that. I have nothing to run away from, except this illness perhaps, and considering it is firmly attached to my body, I can't get away from that now can I? I miss my life. I miss the city. I miss people. I miss traffic, yes, even traffic! I miss the ocean, the mountains, being able to see the world. There is so much I want to see and do. I think it is about that time.....time to start planning, putting that money aside, time to get out there. Those are the fun, big vacations to plan, somewhere far away maybe? Where to go this time? I have been to NYC! I love NYC! I could go back and stay forever, if it were only realistic. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Europe. I have a friend who lives in Germany, another in Italy, just recently made one in the UK (Justin would kill me if I went without him!) That would take me forever to save for, to stay as long as I wanted, and see all I want. I would need to stay a good couple of months. Nathan and I went to Disneyland last year, we could always go to Disneyworld. But, then I think, do I really want to spend my savings on something that big, when I have this illness hanging over my head? You never know when I will need the extra money for the MS! So many unknowns.

It is funny, the thing that I really miss the most is being able to just get in my car on a Friday afternoon, take off for the weekend and end up who knows where for the weekend. I used to do that ALL the time. After work, sometimes they would be spur of the moment trips, sometimes planned. Sometimes just to visit a friend, sometimes I would just drive and end up in some small town up in the mountains. Other times I would just take a trip and end up in great places like Vegas, Denver, Boise, or Jackson Hole. On long weekends, I might call my parents and say I was coming home (who cared that it would be a 12 hour drive). I miss having the flexibility to just live. I think that living in a big city put life into my veins, and although I know this move was ultimately the best thing for me, a part of me, that part of me, the part that was alive, spontaneous, somewhat died with the city. It stayed in the city.......

4 comments:

mdmhvonpa said...

You know, Italy IS nice this time of year but it's a LOT of walking. Come to think of it, I do miss just being able to pick up and go at the drop of a hat. Either way, you should not let MS or the threat of illness hold you back. In a morbid line of logic, you could get hit by a bus today.

Iain Dughlais said...

Jamie,

You can still do it all. I'm currently down under the weather, feeling the effects of MS. I might never be able to see properly out of my left eye again and there are days when walking is impossible. But I know it's all temporary.

The moment I knew I had MS, I mean the day it really sunk in and became real, was when I started on interferon drugs. And for just over 6 months I was off and on with the drugs' symptoms. But they do go away, I promise.

The one thing that gets me a lot is the depression. I was depressed before my diagnosis and now I really do have real worries and fears. I think managing MS is entirely a mental game. keeping your spirit up will certainly help the disease. That being said. GO. Take a vacation, bring the disease with you. I learned that it's not something I can fight, but something I can live with. It is a part of us, and if we hate it then we hate a part of ourselves, and that will bring us dispare. You don't have to love it, just make peace with it. I've been all over Canada blind in one eye, throwing up from the steriod treatments, walking with a cane on top of a mountain...

MS can't beat you, only you can. :)

Keep droping by, I had hoped to one day meet enough MS patients on line to start a really neat MS support blog.

Ciao.

camille said...

jaime,
you sound like me. keep your chin up friend.
camille

Jaime said...

Okay, maybe depression was the wrong word to choose. lol Yes, I do have some depression. I am not severely depressed in the fact that I would want to do anything drastic, or I hate myself, nothing like that. I just really miss the freedom I once had, and when you can't sleep, at 4 in the morning all kinds of things start to bother you.....
I hope all of you are doing well. I will try not to sound so sad on future posts, as I really am not sad, I just think I have a touch of spring fever. :) Take care


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I was diagnosed with MS in 2004, have been through all of the FDA approved treatments I qualify for and now am participating in the HALT MS Study. This is my story...my life with MS (among other things).

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