Sorry if this ends up being a long one...this has been a very busy weekend! And, it appears things are not going to slow down at least not for another week or so.

My son Nathan has his first girlfriend, his first crush (Lacy)! He is so shy, it is cute. The kids in our area did not have school Friday or Monday for Memorial Day so Lacy and my sister, Katie, came over on Friday to hang out. Friday night we decided to go to the movies. The kids ended up going to see Over the Hedge.














Katie and I went to see the Da Vinci Code. I can see why there is so much controversy surrounding it. The movie was very well done! Some parts were hard to take, but for the most part I enjoyed the film. :)

Saturday I spent 2 hours with my personal trainer (let me tell you how sore I was the next day) and then I took Nathan and a couple of his friends to the WWE Wrestlemania Raw at the Toyota center in Kennewick. It was pretty cool! I am SO not into wrestling at all, but a business associate of my mom's owns one of the box suites so they gave it to us for the event. The kids of course thought it was the coolest thing in the world, to be in your own suite up above the crowd, own personal waitress, nice comfy couches....they were in heaven! Plus it is a total boy thing to do...the wrestling that is.

Sunday we spent the day at my parents house helping them go through clothes! We will be busy helping them pack all week. My parents closed on their home today and get to pick up the keys to the house tomorrow morning so I am not sure when they will actually start to move things in, but I know they are getting pretty anxious. This house is perfect for them and since it is the last house they will purchase they wanted it to be everything they have wanted in a home (and I am pretty sure it is). Sunday night of course was also my night for my Avonex injection. I was willing to put it off a night to help do more packing on Monday, but my parents felt it was more important for me to do my injection! I'm sure they are right.

It has been nice to feel like a normal (or semi-normal) functioning person again. I had a lot of fun going out to the different events and hanging out with my family, especially with my son! Things have been so tense lately. It seems like he has been so angry about everything lately, that this was a nice change. :) I am tired....between the MS and all of my other health concerns, the fatigue never really gets a break. I know.....there are a few of you out there thinking to yourselves right now "Don't over do yourself, don't use up too many spoons" but the thing of it is, I would gladly over do myself and use up all my spoons and then sleep the whole next day (or more days) if I could have the quality time with my son where we get along and just have fun like we use to, like we did this weekend! Where we are not having to think about my health, about my MS. Granted...come Sunday, reality hit and I had to do my injection and we were once again faced with my MS, but we were able to continue a level of quality time that was nice even with the MS. He just seemed to be okay. He suggested we have a Mommy & Nathan night where we hung out in my room and watched a movie (Cheaper by the Dozen 2). He even camped out (literally, got his sleeping bag) in my room. Since he did not have school on Monday he went to hang out with his friends so I could recover. It worked out pretty well.

Today is Tuesday and I am still pretty tired. I seem to be getting more used to my injections in the fact that I am not having flu symptoms and the chills are few and far between. I am still having some headaches and pain, but increasing my ibuprophen seems to be helping. The worst of it now seems to be the fatigue. I am not sure if there will ever be a cure for that! Since I have been stuck in bed over the last couple of days (while I recover from my injection) I have started to watch the first season of 24! Oh my! What a show! This year was the first year I have watched 24 and I am totally hooked. So, I have gone to get the other seasons, and I have taken the last few days to watch the first season. I am almost done with it!

I am meeting with my personal trainer again tomorrow! Nathan has two doctor's appointments this week and there is lots of packing and moving to do (for my parents). I am sure I will be around, but the posts may be limited. I hope that you are all doing well. Have a good week! Take care. :)

Sorry I have not updated my blog in a few days, I have been real busy! I just thought I would stop in quick to say Hi and let you all know I am alive and well. :) As soon as things settle down (most likely tomorrow night or Tuesday) I will fill you all in on our very busy weekend! It is nice to feel like I have a (some-what normal) life again and spend some fun time with my son.

I hope you are all doing good and are having a fun-filled Memorial Day weekend! Take care.

I have decided to rearrange Nathan's bedroom. Of course he is an 11 year old boy, so it is not the cleanest place on earth (but it is not the worst either). Surprisingly enough, for an 11 year old boy, he actually keeps up on it. I am sure a lot of that has to do with the incentive I gave him last winter. It seemed as if I could NEVER get him to clean his room. It was like a bomb was dropped in his room on a weekly basis. It was quite irritating. I understand that he is a boy and these things are just not the most important things to him, but come on...his room was really bad. So, I bribed him, lol!

I have never allowed him to have a TV in his room and although he owns both a nintendo gamecube and a PS2 he has no way to play those in his room. There are a couple of reasons I have done this. For the longest time I did not feel comfortable allowing him to have the games and a TV in his room because I did not feel he was responsible enough to set limitations with these things. I wanted him to prove to me he could do this. Also, there are so many things on TV that I just don't approve of him watching. So, I made him a deal. If he could do good in school and keep his room (relatively) clean than I would create a gaming area for him in his room at the end of the school year. Well, that time has come. School is just about out...and this is the perfect time to do it, because my parents are moving house and my dad is thinking of giving Nate their old TV out of their bedroom (boy, did I luck out...I might not even have to buy him a TV, lol).

That leads me to a question....do you suppose that sometimes our kids get away with things because of our guilt over them having to put up with our illness? Sometimes I think so. Not always though, and this is not one of those instances, I just figured I would throw that in! Nate deffinately has had a difficult year and he has worked very hard. He came to a new area, a new school, started from scratch and worked his butt off to catch up in a school system that was more advanced than the one he was previously in. He has started counseling and that is not easy! And, through all of his difficult times (and yes, we have had some arguments too!) he has been a sport about helping me out. Plus he has proven to be responsible in his chores, etc. He worries and is scared of what will happen with this illness. It is just as unknown for him as it is me. On many levels I think worse because he does not have the maturity to sort out his emotions yet.

Anyway, so tonight he is cleaning up his room so that we can get started. Over the next couple of days we will be rearraning things. First thing will be to move his desk. He does not use it as he does his homework at the dining room table. I think this is where I will set up the TV and gaming area! Then we are going to take apart his bunk beds. He has decided that he is too old for bunk beds, lol (he is at that age where he thinks he is already a teenager, only he isn't yet). He wants to keep both beds though, so I will have to do some tricky arranging of things to make it look "cool" as he puts it. He wants the one bed to be used as a bed (of course) and the other to function more like a couch. We will have to see if I can make that work! With the design of these bunk beds it should be pretty easy to do though. Wish me luck!

Thanks to a wonderfully brilliant man (Mike) not one, but BOTH of my computers are fixed! There was nothing really wrong with my desktop computer. One of the settings in order to connect (I think it was something to do with the modem) was set up incorrectly. It was as simple as a box needing to be unchecked. How silly is that? The funny thing is that I had talked to my broadband provider on two separate occasions and was told that I needed a new Ethernet card. My laptop....that was a WHOLE other story. The hard drive had seen its day! It was toast and nothing was able to be salvaged. :( There are worse things in life! I am happy with the results. Mike was able to put in a 10GB hard drive (temporary set up) while he orders me a 80GB hard drive. When the 80GB hard drive comes in then he will swap them out. :) So, how great is that! All in one day......both of my computers are fixed, and not only that...he networked them together! I am so grateful to him. I am not sure what I would have done without him!

I have been keeping myself busy lately. My housing inspection is coming up soon and so I have had to get all of the paperwork together and submitted (today was the deadline). It is not a difficult process, only it is time consuming. Now that everything is done it is a waiting game. I just have to wait for a letter to come in the mail telling me when someone will come to inspect my apartment. Speaking of inspections, I get to have an extra inspection this year. I was talking to my landlord this morning and she asked me if she could bring by the insurance agents inspectors on Friday because they need to inspect 5 apartments each year in order to renew their fire insurance for the complex. She knows I keep up my apartment so she wants to use my apartment as one of them that they inspect. I am not sure what all they look for with a fire inspection, but I am sure it will be fine.

I am hurting today! Nothing to worry about. It is the kind of pain you get the day after you have been to the gym and had a real good work out. That is exactly what this is (I am sure that is all it is). I think I over did it at the gym yesterday. Recently I joined the Columbia Basin Racquet Club where I am meeting with a trainer to get the right balance between swimming (for my MS) and low impact weight baring exercise (for my Osteopenia). Yesterday was our first meeting but we were unable to do everything. I meet with her again on Tuesday. :) Since we were unable to do a lot I decided to hit the pool. It has been a long time since I just went to swim laps. I have done water aerobics and pool therapy, but I forgot how good it felt to just swim laps. I also forgot how much that can really work your body! It will be good for me though. I am really excited about it! For the first time in about 5 years I am loosing weight and although I have these challenges with my health (when haven't I? I have been sick forever it seems) I am taking control of it all! That is something isn't it?! That is something to be proud of, something to be happy about! According to my doctors the pain that I am feeling right now is just where I need to be to have it work. In order for the bones to heal I have to have some pain but I need to do it on a level that is not severe enough to cause damage to my MS. It is all about learning my limitations which is why I am taking it easy today. My goal is to eventually get to where I can go everyday! I want to rotate. Swim one day, do weights the next. That would be great! It will take me a while. One step at a time. But I WILL get there. From what I have read and been told by doctors, exercise and diet are key components to the fight against MS. So, I intend to do all I can to FIGHT! After all, I have too much to fight for......too much to live for!

I hope you are well. Please take care of yourselves. I am sure glad to be back. I have missed you!

Computers can be such a great resource WHEN they work! But, let me tell you.......when they are not, what a pain in the butt they can be! Mine, both of them are causing me headaches right now. My laptop has crashed (see my previous post) and I have not been able to get it looked at yet to see if I can even get it fixed. My desktop computer works, but I don't have internet access on it. I installed an ethernet card on it that my computer guy gave me and wouldn't you know it.....stupid thing doesn't work! (this very well could have something to do with the installer...me!) So, I need to take it back to him and he will get things all fixed for me, only he is out of town, so for now I don't have a computer that works :(

For now I am stuck using my parents computer when I am over visiting them, so until I get one or both of my computers fixed.....I may not be posting anything (or they will be limited). I will update everyone whenever I can. I will miss you all. Please take care.

What a day yesterday was. If I could go back and just sleep through it or erase it all together, that would be good! If only, right? It is funny how when things are finally starting to go good......Boom, here comes the bad, and with a vengeance! If it could go wrong yesterday it DID!

The morning was not to bad. I woke up with a headache, which I have been doing pretty good with since my neurologist increased my Topamax. Allergies are in full force and so I suspect this may have something to do with my headache. It was a usual morning....but then, man, did everything just seem to fall apart!

First, I found out that my the application I submitted to The Patient Access Network Foundation never showed up on their system (I faxed it on May 9th). So, my mom took it to work and re-faxed it. When I called to confirm they got the fax I was told they are still not showing the fax and to call back in a couple hours. At this point I was like okay, it will probably show up they are probably just busy and it is sitting on the fax machine (note I have the confirmation page showing the faxed DID go through BOTH times).

Next, I go to sit down at my computer to do some things, and the WHOLE system crashes. I am not sure at this point if I will have lost everything (some things are backed up on a disk, but not the things I have just recently done, ugh!). Did I mention I just did a defrag and disk clean up (monthly ritual) like a week ago! So, I go to restart the computer thinking at first that it was just some kind of error........can't find operating system. WHAT? Okay, no bid deal, right? I have the restore disk. I go to boot from disk and restore......can't find hard drive. I WAS pissed by this point. So, needless to say I think my laptop's hard drive just had seen its day. I am not sure. Fortunately for me, I have a desktop computer (which I need to add an ethernet card to in order to get online, no biggy, I'll have that done today).

By this point yesterday I had had enough with having a bad day! I had just compiled a bunch of documents for my housing inspection...maybe all lost. Now I have to start over, because I had not backed it up yet, because I was not done yet. What a pain. Next week I can take it in to get looked at to see if I can have it fixed. The problem with these things, is anymore, it is almost cheaper to just go buy a new one. It will all just depend on what it turns out to be. If it is just a software problem, that can be done fairly inexpensive. And, if I need a new hard drive only, and everything else is okay, that won't be too bad either because I can get one at Best Buy for anywhere from about $100-$150, then have it installed by my dad's friend Mike who works on computers (if he is able, he is currently out of town). Hopefully it will not be too bad. I much prefer my laptop over my desktop. Don't get me wrong, I love my desktop computer. It is top of the line, but on the days where I have some pain in my back or my legs act up, it is nice to just be able to take the computer with me and sit in a nice comfy chair or on the couch!

About an hour later I heard back regarding my application.......still not there. So, we shipped it off overnight fedex. During this conversation I was notified that they have now started to put people on a waiting list and because my application did not arrive earlier, even if approved, I may be put on the waiting list until more funding becomes available. Now this was enough to just push me over the edge. It is not that I have to be on a waiting list, I am just grateful for the help (if approved). I just hate the idea that I had my application in on May 9th and now all of these other people who submitted theirs later will be ahead of me on the list because the fax was lost. That is just upsetting more than anything to think that I have even more time to wait, more unknowns. It is enough that this whole illness is one BIG unknown. Is it too much to ask for other things in life to go a little smoother? I guess so!

To top the day off....Nate had his counseling yesterday. Great! It did not go too bad, I thought, but when we got home then he started in. I know that when you go through counseling it brings up emotions that are difficult to deal with, therefore it is common to have a reaction around the time of the session (i.e. anger, fear, rage). He has only just begun and so I think that is part of why it is harder for him. He has all of these emotions and finally a way he can learn to get them out, but now he needs to also learn the coping skills to handle those emotions. All in due time. It is a process. I just feel bad for him, I hate to see him get so upset.

He did call and speak to Justin last night though and I thought that was a big step forward for him, to reach out to someone instead of just blowing up (even though he did that first, like I said it will all take time). He has a lot of anger about my illness. He broke down and told me that I have ruined his life because of my illness. That I don't try hard enough to get rid of it and that I need to try harder, he wants our life to be like everyone else's. All understandable.....after all he is 11 years old. It is hard for him to understand all of this, heck, some days I don't understand....and some days I have a real hard time coping myself, so why should he be any different? He shouldn't. Once he calmed down and we were able to talk more about it, I was able to explain that the reason I have made these changes in our lives (moving, not working, going to the doctors "all the time" according to Nate, and taking these meds) are so that I can be here for him, so that we can have a good life together. It is because I am trying SO hard to be healthy so I can take care of him and provide for his needs, along with mine. For the first time I think it somewhat clicked, but I know it is all still very confusing for him.

Justin and I have been talking, and he is considering moving here to help out. I am not sure if he will ever do it but I think it would do Nathan a lot of good to have his dad around full-time. We both just want what is best for Nathan, and Justin missed him too. Plus, when my MS does act up (hopefully not anytime soon) then Nathan would not have to be there for every part of it. He could be somewhat removed from the situation. Granted, Nate lives with me, so he would see it, but it would not be as bad if he had his dad to lean on too. Anyway, who knows if he will ever really move here. His whole family lives in Idaho. Plus, I just don't know if he has it in him to move to be here for Nathan and me. The reality of it is that we talk about it, we have talked about it for a long time now, but it will probably never happen. And, that is okay with me. I would love for Nathan to have him around, but I would never want Justin to do something he would not want to. In my opinion he should only follow through with that type of commitment if he is serious about it and wants to be here. Because if he comes and is resentful, that defeats the purpose and only makes things harder for Nate.

Today is a much better day! It has been quiet, so far. I think it probably will continue to be. I had an appointment this morning for allergy testing, fun! My arms are all red and swollen, yep, I am allergic to EVERYTHING they tested me for. Not really a surprise to me, I have always had allergies. The good news is that this means I am now approved for Xolair, which will hopefully really help my asthma. And, they have decided because of how allergic I am, I get to start allergy shots. So, more injections for me. :( That is okay though, whatever works and makes me feel better, I am ALL for that! Plus, I get to start at the gym today. My membership is all set up and I am ready to go. YEAH!

Nate will be gone tonight, so I will probably do something with my mom. Maybe we will get a movie and have dinner. Not sure yet. He is off to Boy Scout camp tonight. I am sure he will have a lot of fun. Tomorrow will be a good day to get some things done around the house. I really want to tackle Nate's bedroom while he is gone tomorrow. Then, Sunday maybe Nate and I will go do something. A mommy and Nathan day maybe, because some Sunday night....it is time for the Avonex, once again.

Well I hope you all have a good weekend. I suppose for every bad day we have, we need a few good ones, hopefully that will be the case this weekend, so far so good today! Please take care.

The sun is shining and it is HOT! It is just past 8 p.m. and still 97 degrees outside! We are definitely in for a HOT summer this year. It is a good thing that I have a pool where I live. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time both in the pool and indoors where the house is cooled from the air conditioning.

I have been taking time for myself this week (a first). My appointments have been limited to just a couple for me and one for Nathan, so I figured I would try and relax, not to mention catch up on some TV, and what a week to do that! With all of the season finales happening, I have been glued to my TV set, lol. Some very intense (I have a feeling about 24) and others just outright emotional (Grey's Anatomy, made my cry). I have a DVR system (very much like TiVo) so I have spent some time getting caught up. It has been nice, to just sit around and do nothing for a change. To not have to worry about a bunch of things that I NEEDED to get done. That is a welcoming change, if I do say so.

Of course it won't last for long. There are always things to do. I have a housing inspection coming up soon (for the disability) and so I need to make sure that I get my son's room up to par this weekend. For a 11 year old, he is not too bad, but I still want to make sure I have cleaned it myself. I am a bit OCD when it comes to things like this. The rest of my house is pretty much always in order (like I said a bit OCD about this, I guess I figure I don't always feel good so I try to keep it in order as much as I can so I don't get stuck when I don't feel good) and the inspection won't be for another couple of weeks, but I figured this would be a good time to do it because he will be gone Friday night and most of the day Saturday. He is going camping with his Boy Scout troop.

Some good news to report. My eating more is working. I have lost 3 1/2 lbs, which is not much, but it is good news because I have not gained or lost weight in a long time. Turns out I was eating healthy (just the same as now) but not enough so I was only taking in about 700-900 calories a day, not good. She had me eat more and over the last couple of weeks I have increased to an average of 1000-1100 (one day made it to 1200) calories a day. That is better but I still need to eat more. I should be around 1800 calories ideally, but she would be happy if I could just eat around 1200-1400 a day. I really am trying too. It is amazing how hard it is to eat healthy and that much food. I feel like all I do is eat and I still am not getting enough? That is crazy! But, it seems to be working, and to think that once I can get in the pool (opens May 27th) and start swimming everyday, that will help too!

I am not sure how much more of this heat my body can take honestly. Hopefully I do not get any of the dreaded Uthoff's Syndrome. This is where I have to think positive. My injection was good this week, the sun is shining, and I am feeling pretty good. All things to be happy about. :) I hope you are all doing well.......and not too over heated. Take care!

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Today was a quiet day. There was not a whole lot that I needed to do. After spending the day with my mom yesterday (we ended up not going to breakfast or the movies, but stayed in as she was not really in the mood to go out, instead we rented a couple of movies and just hung out) I came home to do my Avonex injection. It was late, about 9:00 at night before I got home, so by time I was able to do my injection it was just past 10:00. I think that really helped, by time my typical aches & pains from the injections were to kick in I was deep asleep, and I was so tired last night, as I had a long weekend!

My injection, surprisingly enough has not been to bad this time :) I have had minimal pain and fatigue. I have really tried to just stay down today. I got Nate up this morning for school and he was not feeling good, so I called the school and we both went back to bed. I slept in till about 9:30, got up had some breakfast and then have spent the rest of the day just relaxing. Watched some TV.....I have just basically just hung out today.

I have had a bit of a headache and my back has been bothering me, but it seems that the constant ibuprophen every 4-6 hours along with some icyhot does the trick. Hopefully this means my body is finally getting used to the Avonex! That would be nice. I won't hold my breath just yet though. So far it has been an up and down ride with the Avonex (one week I seem to do okay, another not so good), but I am hopeful that one day it will all pay off. :)

This week is not too busy. I have an appointment with the nutritionist tomorrow, besides that the day should be pretty quiet as well.

I hope you all get some peace and quiet this week. A little rest and relaxation is good for us all! Take care.

Happy Mothers Day!
Okay, so I know it is not actually mothers day until tomorrow, but this is one day worth celebrating all weekend, and this year that is kind of what will be happening in my family.

My grandma, who has been staying with my parents for the last couple of months (trying to recover from her surgery and the death of my grandpa) is going back home to Arizona tomorrow. :( She feels it is time for her to go home. I know that she is nervous to be back at home, and all alone, but my parents made it very clear to her that when she got to a point where she does not feel she can be on her own anymore, when things get too hard......she is always welcome to move in with them. My grandma does pretty well on her own, she is a tough ol' bird, but she is more weak now since her surgery and my grandparents were together (24/7 type of together) for about 20 years (this was my step-grandpa, my biological grandpa died when I was 6, she remarried after, at an age where both of them were retired). I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

So, needless to say, we are celebrating Mothers Day today! The day is starting off this morning with a breakfast at the park sponsored by the Benton Co. Sheriffs Department where all of the proceeds will go to the Sexual Assault Response Center (SARC) & Safe Harbor. Next, my dad is taking Nathan and Katie to run some errands while I go do my shopping. I think the alignment is off on my car, so I need to drop it off at Les Schwab for a re-alignment. While we are off doing our errands my mom and grandma are going to get their hair done! Later we will all meet back up at my parents house where we will have a nice dinner in honor of Mother's Day. Plus, it gives us all one last night together with my grandma!

My grandma and dad will leave for Arizona around 6 am tomorrow, which leaves my mom home alone for Mothers Day. Nathan and I are going out to breakfast in the morning with my mom and then we will spend the day with her. I know it will be a very emotional day for her as she is quite worried about her mother. I figure if we can keep her busy then that would be the best medicine :) Maybe we will go out to a movie or something, I am not even sure what is out right now....I should check into that!

And, at the end of the day......I get to return home to take my Avonex injection.....Ugh! One of these days it will get better, right? (the injection that is)

So, for all of the mom's out there who read this....I wish you a very Happy Mother's Day! I hope you have a nice weekend and that your family and friends spoil you like crazy. You know you deserve it.

And, everyone else......go do something good for your mom and have a great weekend. I hope you are well. Take care.

I can't believe how fast the two months have gone by. It seems like so much has happened! I just want to thank all of you for the continued support. I really appreciate all of your comments and well wishes! It is amazing to me how many wonderful people I have met, the friends I have made, and how much it helps to know that there is this great network of people out there going through the same things I am with this illness. I just wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of you who have been here with me so far. I look forward to MANY more years!

Today was a pretty good day. I had my eye appointment this morning to get my eyes dilated, that was fun. Don't you just love it when they put those drops in your eyes that sting only to wait 20 minutes so they can shine bright lights into your well dilated eyes. Everything looked good though. I have a freckle in my right retina, interesting eh? I guess it is very much like a mole, so they just watch it over the years to make sure it does not change in size, color, etc. My dad drove me to my appointment and after we went to take some measurements at the new house (they are trying to figure out where to put furniture, etc.) I then ended up wavering off my diet, just a big. My dad bought me a polish sausage for lunch, but since I did not have breakfast I am probably okay. The rest of the day was spent doing some basic things around the house and hanging out with the family. Overall, I would have to say it has been a pretty good day!

I hope you are all doing well. Take care and have a great weekend.

It is amazing what a difference a new pair of glasses can make. I did not really think that my prescription changed all that much, but it turns out this last flare really did a number on my eyesight. I have always had very sensitive eyes (light blue eyes & the need to wear sunglasses even in the winter) but lately even that has gotten worse. Then over the last couple of months (since my flare) I started to notice more and more problems with my eyesight. At first I just assumed it was because of my flare and that once my flare went away, my eyes would be okay. I have had vision problems with other flares, so I really did not think too much of it. I had eyeglasses, but the prescription was not strong and I only really needed them for reading or for driving at night. Especially at night. I am SO blind at night, its not funny.

Anyway, over the last couple of months I started to notice that even with my glasses on I was having blurred vision. Then about a month ago I noticed that I could not even read the menu on my TV from my couch (also with my glasses on). Now that did not seem right to me, so after some investigation with the insurance company to see what kind of coverage I have, I made an appointment. Sure enough, my latest flare did quite a number on my eyes. I needed to get new glasses, and the prescription is quite a bit different. She said that I was probably having some ON during the relapse (little inflammation present) but that my eyes looked really good considering (thank goodness!)

Now, I just have to go back tomorrow morning for one more test. I did not have a driver with me so I have to go back in to get my eyes dilated, fun. I was not so sure about my glasses at first (see picture above, similar to mine). But, they are growing on me now. I mean, they look good on other people, but I just liked my other glasses. The nice piece though is that I was able to get the UV protection (which I think is pretty standard now, plus I have such light eyes that they recommend it) and a light gray tinting, which is really nice, because they protect my eyes a little more from the sun, but are light enough that I can still wear them at night, in the dark, in doors, etc.

Nathan had his appointment with the counselor today and it went really well. They talked a little about MS and Nathan asked who Montell Williams is, lol (the counselor was trying to name some famous people who have MS so that he can relate what I have with someone he may have seen on TV or heard on the radio), but he still does not really want to talk much about it. That is okay! I can see it in his eyes how hurt he is. He is trying to be strong, but is in pain. I hope he can be okay soon! At least he knows that I am here to answer any questions he has when he does want to talk, that no matter what I will be here for him. That is ultimately what is important.

I decided that maybe all of this is just too much for him right now, but one day he may want to look back and understand better about what went on (by then I may not be able to remember). So, I have printed out all of my postings (and your comments) and I am keeping them in a binder. I am saving them for him to read over whenever he wants. Nathan really identifies with music too, so I have been downloading the music that I put on here (which I have tried to do based on my mood, post, what is going on at the time, holiday, etc.) and I am creating CD's to go in that binder. It will be a work in progress. One that he may decide he does not need to read, but in the event he wants to, I want to have something available for him. I am hoping that this will help him better understand this illness, not just from the eyes of a boy, but from the eyes of a group of people who live it everyday.

Well, I hope that you are all doing well and have had a nice week. Tomorrow is Friday (TGIF) and this weekend is Mother's Day! :) Please take care of yourselves. I wish you all the best.

Oh and by the way, you may want to check out these articles........More MS news! Let's look forward with HOPE.

A new type of cell that generates crucial cells of the immune system has been discovered at The Walter and Eliza Hall Institute.

Interferon-gamma (not Interferon-beta currently used to treat MS) plays a critical role in damaging the cells that produce myelin, a new way to preserve cells could lead to new treatments!

My sweet Nathan brought me breakfast in bed this morning. He was so sad. I don't think he slept much last night. He came in my room at 6:30 this morning with waffles and in a low voice said "Mom, I'm so sorry". I could tell it took everything for him to not cry. I told him that I don't like to see him so angry and I am sorry that he is having such a hard time. I told him I love him and that we would get through this. Some how that seemed to make him just be okay. He gave me a hug and a kiss and went to get ready for school. This will be a constant battle as he struggles to accept his feelings about my illness, his anxiety and depression that comes along with that. I wish you could all know him, he is so amazing. He has strength that I don't think he is aware of, and when he does not feel he is strong enough to fight, I will fight for him, no matter what!

Well, it is now 6:15 p.m. and we are just getting ready to have dinner. Nathan seems to be having a better afternoon (thank goodness)! He is still sad and it will take him a long time to come to any acceptance. I am hopeful that all of this help he is getting will be beneficial. He meets with the counselor tomorrow, so hopefully she will have some positive input. We are having a pretty quiet night. I rented a movie for us to watch last night (which did not happen) so we are going to watch it tonight! I think a quiet night in, just hanging out will be good. A Mommy & Nathan night! Nathan just reminded me that he has Boy Scouts tonight, so I guess we will be having the Mommy & Nathan night tomorrow instead! He has recently gotten involved with Boy Scouts and is really excited about it. :)

Happier times! Things have been a little tense around my house lately. Nate is having a really hard time. He is so angry, and I just don't know how to help him. I think it is a combination of things. I know he struggles with my illness. Since he was young he had a tendency to worry. He worries more than any kid should ever worry. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was sick before, when he was much younger.

I am a single mom and so I know that he worries about what would happen to him if I should die. I know the MS is a major source of his fears. It has been more difficult for him to accept and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he is older and can see more of the symptoms where it was not as obvious to him when I was sick before, not to mention all of the uncertainties, the unknowns that come along with MS. I also think that he does not know how to handle his emotions. He does not have the coping skills to handle all that is going on. This is where I have tried hard to get him into the appropriate programs. I put him in counseling, got him set up with a caseworker, and I try to talk to him all the time. I try so hard to be supportive. I go out of my way to do things with him that would take his mind off all of this. I think it is important for him to be able to get out there and just be a kid.

For about a month now he has had this independent streak about him. I try and encourage him to be independent, but his behavior has been out of control (cussing, angry, outright mean). This is not his nature at all. I am not sure if it is hormones or what. I am SO not looking forward to that. I know that he is angry and somewhat acting out, and he is entitled to have his feelings but there are also times where I think he uses my illness as an excuse. An excuse to push the limits. He acts out and then blames is on my being sick...that is not okay! He seems to be in this stage where he wants to rebel, see what he can get away with. Some of it I think does come from all of his anger. Not just from the MS, but from the other things he has been through (he has not had it easy). He also seems to think that he is much older than he is (you know how it is 11 going on 18, all kids go through that stage).

Don't get me wrong, he is a good kid and he can be very responsible when he wants to be, but he is just 11. It is amazing to me how kids grow up so fast now. I know that when I was young I had a lot of issues, I went through a lot of things, I rebelled and was in a lot of pain. Nathan has some depression and his anger is unlike anything I had. Maybe boys just handle things different. I am not sure. Of course our situations are not exactly the same, and times have changed. I just worry so much about how he will get through this. I do all that I can, but at the end of the day....will it be enough? That is my fear!

I wish that I could just take all of his pain away! I understand that there is only so much that I can do. I can be there for him and I can love him forever and always, which I do, and he knows it. I tell him every day. I think what is so hard for me, and I am sure it is just as hard for him is that we are very close. I hate to see him in so much pain, and I am sure that he is having some of these same emotions in regards to me.....he hates to see me in pain (MS). This is where this illness can really do a number on people. This is where we have to be strong! This is where we have to FIGHT!

I have been trying very hard lately to regain some of my health in an effort to regain some of my day to day life. I have been so focused on diet and things of that nature, and that is great, but I think that I need to regain other areas of my life too. I came to the realization earlier today that "my pain" what has been feeding my depression as of late is the fact that I just can't seem to come to an acceptance myself that I won't be able to do the things I had planned for my life, at least not in the way I had planned them. Some of my dreams will still be possible, others will not be. How does someone accept that? So, if I can't accept this and I am depressed, why would my son be any different? Maybe some of his mixed emotions are coming from mine, after all we are very close and he is very perceptive. Before this illness I had a bright future. I have lived a life full of many challenges, all of which have made me stronger, they made me the person I am now, and so I do not regret them. I also have had a life full of many blessing, many good times! And, because of the mistakes that I have made, the situations I have been in, I have been blessed. I have been able to help others, I have learned from my mistakes and I have grown.

Maybe, just maybe because of what I went through there is someone out there who will not live the pain that I did (I know that this may not make a lot of sense to some of you right now, but if you know me well, you know what I am talking about, if you don't maybe one day you will find it out). I am thinking there MUST be something more! I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we each have been put on this earth for a purpose. I have to believe that all of this that I am going through, all of this that I have gone through is for some reason, maybe so that I can reach out to others, I just don't know.

More research showing that Epstein Barr Virus might be responsible for "kick-starting" MS.

Mood varies over time in depressed MS patients (and the interferons do seem to contribute to our depression).

Phase III CLARITY Study is recruting patients in the US NOW!

*Update* The Greater Washington Chapter of The National MS Society raised an estimated $1.6 million during the 2006 MS Walk! YEAH! :)

What a great experience! Oh and the view....it all started here, at Salty's <<--at Alki in Seattle. The event was held in the lower part of the building (so right on the water). The room had large windows on two sides and the way the room was set up, the tables faced us so that we had this perfect view across the harbor to the Seattle skyline. The event started at 5:30, although due to Seattle rush hour traffic people trickled in until about 6-6:15. It was daytime when the event started and as the event went on the view in the backgroud was great as the sun set. Spectacular! It was catered with some wonderful food. Of course, being in Seattle we had a variety of seafood. Salmon and crabcakes. There was also pasta, asapargus, fruit, breads, and more. Each table was nicely decorated and each guest was given a welcome gift (samples of Mary-Kay make-up) and a corsage.

There were 4 of the top female MS Specialists there to talk to us about topics relating to women and MS. Of course, this information can be just as helpful for men and people who don't have MS, but maybe have a loved one with MS or someone who just wants to learn more.

The first speaker was Dr. Lily Jung from the Swedish Neuroscience Institute. She talked to us about Disease Patterns. Did you know that the risk of MS in the US is 1 in 750? That is pretty high in contrast to some other illnesses. It also turns out that your risk is based on where you live and how long you have lived in that place. For example, the risk would be almost the same for someone who was born in China but moved to Washington State and remained there as someone who was born in Washington State. Now, obviously there are other factors that go into this, but in regards to the environmental risk, the risk for each of these people will be very similar. Whereas there is very little risk to this person had they continued to live in China until they were 15 (which happens to be the cut off age for exposure to MS in regards to where you live). Also there is a higher risk above latitude 40`.

There are many factors that determine your overall risk of developing MS and there is still so much information that we do not know, but new information is being learned all the time. People who are from a Northern European ancestry have the highest prevalence of MS. Another thing I thought was interesting was the risk factor in regards to families. If you have a mother with MS you have a 1 in 40 risk, this is high but not significant. Twins, now that is an interesting subject. Fraternal twins have a 1 in 12 risk and identical twins have a 1 in 4 risk. And, although our risk is a bit higher if we have a family member with MS, this does not mean we should go out and start doing genetic testing. According to Dr. Jung this is not necessary. There are so many factors that go into it that it would not be appropriate to do this. I loved how she summed it up. She said..."You can't control what happened to you in the first 15 years of your life, that is in the past. You can't control your genes. You CAN control how you deal with your illness! Go to the doctor, take disease modifying medications, take vitamins, get some sleep, eat a healthy diet, and exercise. These are the things you CAN do!"

Dr. Mariko Kita was the next speaker. She works at the Virgina Mason MS Center in Seattle. She talked a lot about hormones and how they factor into this illness. As many people already know gender plays a big role in the subtype. MS is rare before puberty, therefore it is believed that hormones play a big role in MS, along with some other autoimmune illnesses. A couple things I found very interesting (although neither of them apply to me, seeing how I do not take birth control and cannot have more children, post-hysterectomy) were that a study that was done retrospectively showed there was a 40% lower risk of developing MS or prolonging the symptoms of MS if a person was taking oral contraception. Now, there is no current data to show if the pill will help after developing MS but if you are currently taking the pill just think it may help :) Also *very interesting* there have been studies showing that during pregnancy the body has a 70% better response to MS than any drug currently on the market. What makes this so interesting is that when a woman is pregnant our body’s immune system is lowered because essentially it is giving everything to the child. Now, this is not an advertisement to go out and have a bunch of babies, but I think this is very interesting area that research should be focusing on. There are also a few studies looking into how MS reacts with the menopausal phase (this is where I will benefit, yes I am only 29, but I went through menopause at 25). They are looking at hormone replacement therapy (HRT), estriol, and also at testosterone (benefits for both men and women). For the first time this is becoming more of an issue as the illness is becoming more known, treatments are more available, and the general population is growing older. For the men out there: Did you know that your testosterone starts to fall by 1-2% each year at the age of 30. This is about the time that men start to develop MS symptoms, which leads researchers to believe there is a link between MS and men's hormones. Currently there are some studies being done, hopefully more will come. I also found out that the prognosis for women is typically a bit better than men. There are a higher number of women with MS, but there are more men with PPMS. This may have something to do with the fact that they are typically a little older when they first start to develop symptoms.

Next we have Dr. Jodie Haselkorn from the VA Hospital MS Center in Seattle. She had a bit of a different perspective because although she does work with women, she mainly works with men. She talked to us alot about meditation and adding balance into our lives. She stated that the best thing we can do for our bodies is to "DRINK WATER". She also says it is important to develop an acceptance of ourselves, love ourselves. Once we learn to do that then we can move on to someone else. She says that goal with meditation is to be free from any harmful thoughts or feelings, any extra stressors. Give up the things that would waste our time, our health, our mind, and our life. One of the guests at the dinner asked her if sitting at her computer each night playing solitaire and just winding down from the day was a form of meditation. Dr. Haselkorn's response was that it would not be her choice because that is not something she personally would enjoy, however whatever relaxes you, gives you some peace, some quiet and allows you to release some stress. That is a start. She warns though that whatever you do try and do something to release your mind without becoming so relaxed you fall asleep (unless that would be your goal!) I say if you are tired and fall asleep after being completely relaxed than great! But, then again, I am not the doctor. :)

Our last speaker of the evening was Dr. Sylvia Lucus from the University Of Washington Medical Center. She talked to us quite a bit about MS and Intimacy. This is a very important topic because relationships are often impacted when someone is diagnosed with an illness such as this. There are the obvious reasons for why there could be problems with intimacy or just relationships in general when dealing with MS. There are so many unknowns and so from day to day not only do you not know what to expect but your loved ones don't either. She talked a lot about the importance of communication. Let me say it again, COMMUNICATION! I am always telling people how important this is because I had this problem with my ex-husband when I got sick before. We did not communicate well and it was an issue with us. Maybe if we could have talked about how each of us were feeling, things would have been different. It is interesting to think we are best friends now! It is difficult to talk about what is going on, but we can't expect them to just know how we are feeling or what our needs are if we don't tell them. At the same time they must be willing to open up and talk to us. Those are the times we need to learn to just listen.

As the illness progresses there are other issues that may arise. Did you know that there can actually be a physiological problem in conjunction with the MS which can prevent a woman from having an orgasm? Not all people with MS will have this problem, I am not sure if it can happen to men or not (but I suspect this is similar to what erectile dysfunction is all about). There is a nerve that runs up to your brain and if it is not working right, no amount of sex will help (at least not in the normal way). They actually did a study and it turns out there are other ways to help. She recommends that if you are having problems and want to be intimate, to talk to you doctor. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The reasons in which a person with MS has issues with intimacy can range from anything from not feeling comfortable due to the consciousness of the illness, depression, being on an anti-depressant, or an actual nerve problem. If it turns out to be a nerve problem she said with therapy and the willingness of you and your spouse to be okay with alternative ways of being intimate, you can achieve the intimacy you wanted all along.

Once the doctors were done speaking the guests had a chance to ask questions and here is what they wanted to know. Q: Will the desire for sex return if I come off anti-depressants? A: Yes. Anti-depressants can decrease your mood, but the side effects should go away when you discontinue the medication. Q: How do we get the government and researchers to do studies on things like HRT or other menopausal hormones? A: Be an advocate! Make some noise! The more noise is made, the more information we get out, and the more we are heard the better chance we have to make a change. Q: What causes Foot Drop? A: There are many things. Spasticity, spasms, and lack of nerve functions.

The end of the night there were a few raffle drawings, of which I won one! I won a pair of handmade earrings and an Aveda care bag. Overall I am very glad that I went. It was enjoyable and informative. I hope you all can find this information to be of benefit to you. If you have any questions or want more information, leave me a comment or send me an email. Take care!

What a day yesterday ended up being. I had my doctors appointment to get the results of my DEXA scan. It turns out that I have Osteopenia, which is basically the start of Osteoporosis. I have it throughout my back and hips (or at least this is the area where they did the scan). The back showed much more bone loss, which did not surprise me at all considering I have had pain in my back for a long time. I herniated a disc a few months ago and things like standing over the stove to cook dinner makes my back freeze up, so I was not really all that shocked. I also was aware I was at high risk for this illness. I had a hysterectomy at such a young age (24) and went through menopause at 25. I was hoping my age would be an advantage, and the fact that I was taking hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I hoped that would help. Plus, until the MS was diagnosed I seemed to be doing much better. Such is life!

So, what is the next step? Well, there are some positive things and negative things to look at. The positive things are that I am young. The younger you are the better chance you have at reversing the bone loss. Plus, I already eat really healthy. I work with a nutritionist and for the last several years (at least 3) have been watching what I eat. I managed to lower my cholesterol, prevent becoming diabetic, etc. all from diet. So, that is a big plus. All of this is good news in helping to keep the bones healthy. Plus, I am exercising more. That is good. Also, as much as I hate to take more pills, I am now on calcium plus vitamin D. In a couple of months once my body had adjusted to taking those supplements then I will start taking an osteoporosis medication (i.e. Boniva or Fosamax).

The negative...well, I am not doing the right kind of exercise for the bones. What? That is what I said. I thought any exercise would be better than none, and it is! But, this is where it gets tricky for me. See, for MS you need something to take the resistance away, like swimming because if you have too much weight or push yourself too hard than you can do more damage. That is not good. There is the mobility issues, which is why the pool is always good because you can still do the work. Plus, for me my asthma does not act up in the pool like it does with other forms of exercise. Well, for the bones you have to push yourself and use weights! I don't have a problem with weights, but my doctor says that you have to use enough weights that you feel it the next day. So, the tricky part is finding a balance. Enough weight to give you that pain the next day working it good feeling, that WILL eventually go away in a month or two when your body is used to working out really good and not over doing it to the point that the MS shows its ugly face. I think maybe I need to consult my physical therapist or a personal trainer on this one.

No matter what, my goal is to get as healthy as I possibly can because I am tired of not being able to do things like I used to and there are still so many things I want to do and plan to do. In order to do that I need the energy to do it. Plus, I figure the best way to fight this illness is with diet and exercise. Of course I must continue to take all 20 or so meds (the number just keeps going up, one day I will have to make a list on here) and getting the rest, reducing stress. Those types of things. Every little bit will help. I plan on being here to see my son graduate from high school and get married and have kids. I want to be a grandma who is able to play and have fun with her grandchildren, not stuck in a wheelchair! So, what better time than now to make that happen....and maybe there will be a cure before then anyway (one can only hope).

After the doctors I had to go do my grocery shopping. That is always fun. Actually I don't mind doing the grocery shopping it just takes up so much of the day. This is how I eat healthy and save money. I am one of these people who plans meals and when I do my shopping I do it for like a good two weeks or month at a time. I used to only get a weeks worth at a time (and granted some things, like bread, milk, fruit, veggies that need to be fresh must be purchased each week) but I found that I save if I plan ahead and purchase things according to a list. Things like frozen food (meats that I can freeze, frozen veggies I can steam, etc.) and refrigerated foods that will last. Plus the dry items like my brown rice. When my dad had his stroke and I was going over there and helping out, doing all the shopping for both houses and cooking for them, they were amazed at how much we saved. They eat so much better now! I am not sure they shop better though. I don't think my dad could ever be that methodical about it, lol.

Nathan and I got into it again last night. It seems like every night there is something. He is such a good kid but man, he can be so stubborn sometimes. Last night it was that he wanted his hair cut. Not a big thing at all. When he got home from school he wanted to go and watch the baseball game next door. Okay, I am cool with that. Then he asks me to take him to get his hair cut. I told him if he wanted to get his hair cut he would need to be home by 5:00. He was late getting home and so pissed off when it was too late to go and get his hair cut. He threw a fit like a two year old. I am SO not looking forward to the teenage years. I understand that he has anger and a bunch of emotions that he does not know how to deal with, but this is ridiculous. He can't act out every time he does not get his way either. And, I have to not let it get to me. That is the hardest thing. I hate to see him upset, but I have to just ignore it because sometimes it is just a behavior thing. I love him so much but I can't allow him to use my illness as an excuse for bad behavior either. That is just not okay. It is okay for him to be angry and upset, sad, whatever about my illness. He just needs to learn how to deal with those emotions. It is not okay for him to use it as a crutch, as an excuse. I won't allow that!

Shortly after all this happened I was talking to Justin because sometimes I feel like I just can't take much anymore. Over the last year or so I just can't seem to handle stress like I used to. Stupid MS! Justin said to me "Have you talked to your parents about all of this? You need to talk to them, you need some support that is there" I said I don't think they really want to hear about this stuff, meaning things to do with the MS. Of course they care about what happens to me and Nathan. My parents are supportive, it is just that sometimes I feel like I can't really talk to them about how I am really feeling (which is in part why this is so great, if they really want to know, they can read it here). I know they care and they love me very much. It has been a very difficult year and sometimes I think they just don't want to hear about it. Not that it is a bother for them, well, maybe sometimes it is a bother, but mainly that they just don't know how to deal with it either, so it is easier to just not talk about it. At least that is how it seems. In my fathers case I think he blames himself for my illnesses (maybe not the MS but everything else, which I think in his mind he probably believes lead to the MS). Sometimes I feel like I am just not strong enough, like I am weak or something, how stupid is that? I used to be able to handle so much, now I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am depressed and I don't feel like I really have much of a support system to rely on when thing fall apart.

Anyway, when I was on the phone my mom called and she was great. So supportive and put things in perspective. I think that sometimes, at least for me, it is just that I need to ask for help. Sometimes the problem is not that there is not a support system available or that the people we love are not being supportive it is that it is harder to ask for their help when we need it. The reality is that I will always have a hard time asking for help. I am not good at that. I have never been very good at that, but I need to learn to be better. I still think my parents are not really big on talking about all of this, but more because it is hard for them too. It is hard for me because I am living it and going through it, but it is hard for them because they have to watch their daughter suffer, not knowing from day to day if their child will be okay. As a parent I can only imagine what hell that must be. It is always so obvious to me how difficult this illness is on my son and on me, but last night it reminded me how hard things must be for the other people I love. It is not necessarily that they just don't want to hear it, they are scared too!

After such a long and emotional day, I went to bed at a decent time. Then I slept in this morning. That was nice as I have not been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been all screwed up for some reason. I am not sure what that is all about. Anyway, today has been a pretty mild day. I picked Nate up from school early because he had an appointment. He is in a much better mood today. :) As for this evening. I plan to relax, catch up on some TV shows and spend some time with my son.

I hope you are all having a great night. Take care and do something relaxing for yourself. By the way......over 800 visitors. That is awesome!

Sorry it has taken me a few days to post anything. As you are all aware I went to Seattle to see my neurologist and while I was there I attended the Girls Night Out event hosted by the NMSS. It was great! (I will do a separate post regarding this event). We did our best to try and make it a fun trip even though it was short. We (meaning Justin, Katie, and I) drove to Seattle Thursday where I had my appointment with Dr. Jung. I am relieved to finally be feeling better. It is so nice to be able to go to the doctor and not feel like everything is well, now this is wrong, or that is wrong. Finally I got to say "I am starting to feel a bit better". Dr. Jung seemed to be very pleased with how I am doing too! It has taken a while, but it seems that I am finally coming out of this flare. It is about time! ;) Anyway, no real big changes. My Aricept has been increased and of course, I must continue on with the Avonex (which although I don't enjoy, I will do). I can take even more Ibuprophen for the pain, which will help since I am still having significant pain with the injection (and for a couple of days after). She also gave me some great resources to check into regarding help with my recent insurance issues (there are resources through NMSS & NORD). I will let you know more when I get more information from these sources! She felt that I was doing all the right things (joining a gym to start swimming, dealing with diet, etc.) and assuming that everything goes good (PMA: it WILL!) then I don't have to go back for 3 months.
Friday we headed home. It was such a beautiful day, beautiful drive! Of course we had to stop in North Bend at the outlet mall. Every time I go to Seattle my mom has me stop and get her stuff from the Eddie Bauer Outlet Store. She loves that place (probably owns some stock in it by now, lol)! North Bend (for those of you who are movie buffs) is where they filmed a good part of the movie The Vanishing with Kiefer Sutherland, Sandra Bullock, and Jeff Bridges. There have been other movies filmed here too, but this is the most recognizable (due to the kidnapping scene at the gas station located just below Mt. Si, in the picture above - the gas station is across the street). And, as nice as it would have been nice to stay in the Seattle area over the weekend we needed to get back. I needed to take my Avonex injection and my parents watched Nathan while I was in Seattle (Nate had school). My parents are in the middle of purchasing a home and my dad has been busy trying to get everything finalized for that.

The drive was peaceful. I am not sure about all of you, but for me there is just something wonderful about getting in a car, being on the open road and driving for miles in such a beautiful setting. Granted, there are times where this does not do a lot of good for my legs and my back, but I just love it. I especially love driving through the mountains. As much as I have NO desire to live where there is snow, I do miss the mountains. This picture is not a good representation of how great the cascades are (as it is at the very top of the pass) but you get the idea!

It occurred to me over this trip that I just may be a little screwed up (that mixed feelings things again). I moved to Richland because it was recommended that I move where I have a better support system. Okay, that makes sense. I understand the need for that. I also was told it would do me some good to be in a place where life is more peaceful, relaxing, where I am not so busy. Hmm...I seem to be busy no matter where I am. I am better about it, really I am, but I am not sure I KNOW how to just not be busy and how to just rest and relax. I am starting to realize that until I moved here those words, although I heard them and knew of them, were not REALLY a part of my life. I get bored really easy. I hate to just sit around, and although I don't necessarily just "sit" around, although sometimes I do, I feel like it because I am not working and doing things like I would like to. I get stir crazy! My house is basically always clean (I really have to be down for it not to be) because even when I don't feel good or am in pain I need something productive to do. This is a small town and there are just not a lot of options. It drives me nuts. I get depressed easy and I know some of that has to do with the meds, but I think some of it has to do with my being bored and sometimes I just feel like my life doesn't have a lot of purpose anymore. That is the worst part of all of this. I mean, I KNOW it does, so don't get me wrong. I am a mom first and foremost. But, Nate is at school 7 hours each day. It does not take me that long to clean the house and do everything I need to do each day. Yes, there are days where I have more to do (doctor's appointments, running around) or am not feeling good so I will get more sleep, but sometimes I feel like I am going to go out of my mind.

When I get out on the open road, it is like this huge release for me. It is like I get this burst of energy (okay, mentally, my body can't always keep up) and then when I am in the big city (in this case Seattle) I just seem to be so happy! It is like life is put back into me. I know I have said it before, but I really do miss being in a big city. Only thing is I know it is not good for my health. So, I just don't know what the solution is. It is strange too, because I am not even there long enough to go do a lot, or have the money to spend to go out and do a bunch of things. It is the small things (okay, not so small) like being in traffic (call me crazy). I love big city traffic. Being in the middle of downtown where you are surrounded by a bunch of great big huge buildings. For me, it is like all the stress that has built up is just instantly released the minute I arrive. It is almost like returning home.

Speaking of home.....this time of year the Columbia river is so pretty. I live about 5 blocks away from it. I am hoping that I can continue to feel better and even get to the point where I can take Buddy to the river on a regular basis this summer. Last year we did not get to do that much because we moved here in August. He is a funny dog, scared of the water. We were just getting him to where he would go in a little more when summer ended. I am hoping that by the end of this summer he will learn to love it, and have fun. My dog, Buddy, was always an indoor dog and until he came to live with us he never really got to play. I even question if he was somewhat abused (in the way he was trained). Anyway, I hope to be able to feel well enough that he can get out and have some fun as well.

Justin ended up having to go back to Idaho (work stuff) on Saturday, so we took Nathan out to dinner and to a movie. He had fun. He is still really having a difficult time with everything. Now whenever the subject of "MS" comes up he just gets angry. I just think that he does not understand and more than anything does not know how to control how he feels about it. It really worries me. I hate to see him in pain and upset over this, but I almost don't know what to do for him that I am not already doing. I have tried to talk to him and he does not want to talk about it. I wish he would. I have gotten him into counseling and set him up with a case manager who will help me to help him become more involved with extracurricular activites. Short of someone coming up with a cure or me just getting better, I am not sure what will make him feel better, however. Any suggestions?? I know some of you had parents with MS or maybe have children about my son's age (11) who have been angry because of all of this. He has even gotten to the point where now he is saying things like one minute he loves me and he is helpful and kind (which is more like his true nature), the next he hates me, hates this illness, wishes I would just die already, wishes MS would just die already, that I am a bad mom because I make him live with all this, and that maybe he should go live somewhere else. Then he gets sad and depressed and feels really bad for all of the mean things he said to me because he did not mean them. That is when he does finally break down and cry, but even then he still does not want to talk about it. He is just so angry about this. I am not sure how to help him.

I have been planning to join the gym so that I can start to swim, which is still in the works (just waiting on a couple of last things to get done, one being my f/u from my DEXA tomorrow). I am also working with the nutritionist, doing exercises at home as instructed by the physical therapist and taking my medications as planned. I am doing all that I can (or at least I think I am) to try and be as healthy as possible for the both of us. I am planning on taking Nate for a vacation this summer. It will probably not be anything big (last year we went to Disneyland). I have not decided where or when yet. I need to get online and do some research. When we lived in Utah, Justin and I would always take Labor Day weekend (which is a long weekend) and have a small family vacation together. It has always been very important to us to make sure Nathan understands that he comes first. One year we took the week before and went to Yellowstone and camped at Henry's Lake. Another year we went to McCall, ID, this time rented a cabin and a ski boat so Nate could drive the boat out on the lake (this was more for fun). He got to go fishing but the best fishing is in the rivers (or at least at that time of year it was). Last year was the first time that Nathan ever went to the ocean and that was very brief so I was thinking that maybe we could go to the beach, maybe somewhere along the Oregon coast (which happens to have some of my favorite beaches) or my dad suggested Longbeach, WA.

Well, I hope you are all doing well. Please take care of yourself.

Now for more music from Washington State.....